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Saturday, January 28, 2006

Borderline-Bipolars : Message: Just Deb ****TRIGGERS WARNING-SI-Suicide****: "Sorry so long ahead of time my name should have been Wendy instead of
what it is. I tend to say a lot without saying much at all at times.
I have had a lot happen to me in my life though the last couple of
years has been especially rough. I have lost so many things that the
list is better then the tale and shorter: 2 homes, my son, my dog, my
car, my cat, raped, almost starved and froze to death, all my
material things, went to jail for no operator's license, moved seven
times in the last year alone and will probably move again in the next
six months or so. Started going to school and then got kicked out
because i couldn't access the internet to do on line work. My best
friend kicked me to the curb. Ok so now that you got that part and
granted i probably forgot a bit here and there but that is the jist
of it the current stuff. I live in a house with my sister who talks
to me perhaps once a week or so. She is gone much of the time leaving
me here alone. A little alone for me is a ok thing but too much
causes me problems. I tend to cause myself enough stress without
outside help as it is. Currently I am not on meds nor do I have a
doctor due to transportation problems and i don't qualify to be able
get picked up by the local medicare van. I have a lot of times where
all i think about is dying and the peace it would bring to me. I
don't really want to do i just think about it a lot. I look to the
future and see it as the same day just replayed and it will never
really get better no matter what anyone says. I have a hard time
making any decision at all and generally let others do it for me. I
figure they are smarter they might know better then I would at any
rate. I force myself to eat or I wouldn't bother at all. I don't doany of the things that interested me anymore. I jsut can't payattention to it or get interested in it. The thing that bothers methe most well not the most but more then other things is that I livein my fantasy world most of the time. There I have everything that idon't have in life. I am afraid that one day I simply won't come backout of it. I pace all day long in this world of mine. I have donethis since I was a kid though there were brief periods that I didn'tdo it as much for whatever reason.I am a cutter and have been doingit a lot lately. And my dreams about it have gotten more horrificthen ever before. In the last six months I have been in threedifferent hospitals and don't want to go back for a short term fixfor a long term problem. I am afraid taht I will get too adjusted tothe hospital life or instutionalized in some way and that it wouldonly make it worse. I am not sure of what i am asking or what i need.Perhaps just a kind word, or support or just to know that i am notreally all that alone. Thanks ahead of time for being so patient withthis post and sorry that it is so long. Deb

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eureka, California, United States
As Popeye once said,"I ams what I am." But then again maybe I'm not